From a Fusion Model to a Connection Model – From Stencils and Templates to Movement and Process

Resnick Model of Relationships, Marriage & Couples Therapy

Marriage and relationships today (straight and gay) are, to a large extent, based on the assumption that two individuals fuse into one. More than 50 % of all first marriages end in divorce as do approximately 70% of second marriages. Add to this the remaining secretly "miserably married"– those living lives of quiet (or not so quiet) desperation based on fear of being alone, fear of damaging the children, financial insecurity, religious doctrine, social stigma, etc. – and we begin to see the magnitude of the problem. Simply put, either we are either all seriously disturbed (pathologizing all of us) or there is something fundamentally flawed with our traditional model of relationships and marriage. Traditional models of marriage and coupling evolved within contexts that met the needs of the situation (environment and people) at the time – FORM following FUNCTION. Unfortunately, when FORM becomes rigid while FUNCTION changes, our models become outdated and obsolete – vestiges and remnants of another time reeking havoc on today's attempts for mutually nourishing, long term, primary relationships.

Dealing with differences is the second fundamental dynamic that is at the root of almost all couples issues. Most people are acculturated to view difference as dangerous (as threats to their autonomy, criticisms, attacks, betrayals, etc.) and therefore try to eradicate difference by either becoming like the other (fusion) or trying to make the other like them (conflict). In reality all contact (and connection) can only happen through difference. Difference is connective tissue. The Resnicks, respectful and appreciative of difference, have evolved new ways to collaborate, engage, compromise, trade and even celebrate differences.

The Resnicks' enthusiastically support marriage and other committed long term relationships. Only with a long term primary relationship, can couples build a shared ground of mutual support and understanding. The Resnicks are, however, fundamentally questioning how people historically and currently attempt to do this. Clearly, current models of marriage and other committed long term relationships do not work very well for most people. Trying harder at that which doesn't work simply leads to more frustration and blaming of self or other. These programs are aimed at helping people have more nourishing, enduring and successful marriages and other long term primary relationships.

Doing therapy with couples is more than embracing a theoretical orientation, a methodology or an eclectic bag of tricks and techniques. It is more than coming up with “deep understandings” from childhood, brokering behavioral “deals” that usually only postpone the explosion and subsequent withdrawal, or unhooking couples from their old narratives and trying to get them to buy the therapist’s new story. In order to do effective couples therapy, therapists need to look beyond trying to help “make the relationship work” within a coupling model that doesn’t work and to widen their perspective and the clinical work to a process approach. Relationships and marriage are difficult, rhythmical and not for the faint of heart. Most importantly, ongoing primary relationships are worth the effort.

Couples Therapy Workshop for Therapists Will Include:

• Moving from trying to fix an outmoded "content" model of relationships and couples therapy to an
  exciting "process" model of relationships and couples therapy - from fusion to connection..
  
• The ultimate and complex human dilemma: How to be connected with another and maintain a self... Modulating the lifelong rhythm of separation and connection.
  
• Dealing with differences versus differences in dealing.
  
• Individual and Societal Character Structures
  
• The coupling/uncoupling process.
  
• Love, Intimacy, Boundaries, Power.
  
• The Resnicks' "Circle of Relating".
  
• Intrapsychic, interpersonal, gender/societal/cultural/ethnic/religious (larger field) issues.
  
• Phenomenology: Meaning, meaning making systems and how we construct meaning.
  
• A fresh look at society's rules about, and models for, marriage - many of which are anachronistic.
  
• Being respectful of the individuals, the couple, the family as well as the ecosystem the couple is a part of.
  
• Topics include, but are not limited to: models of marriage, dealing with differences, communication, commitment, trust, contact, intimacy, love, power, gender differences and more.

A FIVE DAY SIX NIGHT RESIDENTIAL COUPLES THERAPY TRAINING WORKSHOP (Basic and Advanced levels) for therapists and allied professionals who work with couples and those interested in learning to work with couples. You need not be part of a couple to attend.

Each day, the Resnicks work live (and perhaps some video) with real Model Couples to illustrate their way of encouraging couples to authentically represent themselves – hopefully with grace and discrimination. By having each member of a couple fully and authentically engage with his/her partner, each can discover the degree of compatibility - by being who they are rather than what they and/or others believe they should be. Managed and postured relationships, while "working" temporarily, are fundamentally flawed and lead either to explosions and subsequent withdrawal, or they collapse into quiet desperation. Tragically,
most relationships "fail" without the couple truly ever finding out whether or not they are compatible since they simply don't fully "show up", because of fears, rules, expectations, habits and "shoulds".

This will be a practical, "hands – on" workshop with daily supervised practice for all therapists. All clinical work will be related to theory – to clarify and to make both more meaningful and practical. The Resnicks are real therapists working with real couples on real issues. Daily small process groups are part of the program. Therapists, seminar couples and model couples come together to explore personal reactions to the theory and the clinical work in a warm, international, professional community of therapists and couples.

While the mornings will include observing the Resnicks' working with Model Couples, discussion relating the theory to the clinical work, theory and process groups – all integrated with the Relationships 101 Seminar, the afternoon for therapists will feature hands on live supervised practice – role play with other therapists for those not familiar with the Resnick model, and working with the actual Model Couples (supervised live by Bob or Rita) for those therapists familiar with this model.

The Resnicks clearly and simply present their model of coupling and couples therapy and they compare their model to contemporary psychoanalytic, systemic, cognitive behavioral and postmodern approaches. They are interested in integrative similarities as well as differences that separate and define.

Model Couples Needed

The Resnicks are inviting 3 or 4 demonstration "Model Couples" to join this workshop. Model couples participate in all discussions of the clinical work. The workshop is inclusive and transparent. www.couplestherapytraining.com and www.gatla.org.